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Win the Person, Not the Debate

Gary Keesee • Dec 17, 2019

Enjoy this special guest post from my friend, Dave Anderson.

Yes, you do want to win the person.

In this emotionally charged age of liberal versus conservative; atheist versus believer, or pro-this versus anti-that, it’s easy to get so caught up in rhetoric, invective, and the belief that he who talks the loudest and longest wins the debate that you can lose sight of the what I believe is a more relevant objective than winning the argument; winning the person.

And I’m not just referring to the person with whom you’re having differences but also winning those who witness the exchange.

This is why, when watching a news show where there are “experts” on both sides of an issue interrupting one another— shouting out zingers and elevating a normal speaking tone to a series of hysterical shrieks—I change the channel so that whatever intelligence I have left isn’t insulted further.

To be a more effective proponent for causes you are passionate about when you come face-to-face with someone who believes otherwise, I’d like to share some wisdom gleaned from the book Hell? Yes! by Dr. Robert Jeffress.

Influencing vs. silencing

Remember that the goal is to keep the dialogue going with the other person, not to shut him or her down.

People with strong personalities and rhetorical ability think that if they can silence their opponents they’ve won the argument. But any married person knows that’s not the case. If you’re having a disagreement with your spouse, it’s easy through intimidation or insult to cause them to disengage from the discussion. But you haven’t persuaded your spouse of anything, except that you’re a jerk.

For too many people, silencing, rather than influencing has been a primary tactic when discussing sensitive issues like abortion, politics, religion, and the like.

But no one is really heard or understood. The debate diminishes into cheap shots and name calling and the lines separating two sides become a gulf.

Take steps to win the person.

1. Engage with those who hold opposing points of view.

This was a key principle Jesus Christ used for winning people instead of just winning arguments. Jesus went to some places where he was not particularly popular, because to “catch fish” He had to go where the fish were. His goal was not isolation but influence.

2. Listen to other people’s stories.

The way to influence others is not by cornering them and then dumping your own “stuff” on them. Rather than unload your spiritual or political dump truck of arguments and answers to unasked questions, carefully listen to the other person you’re trying to influence. It is only after they feel understood that they’ll be willing to understand.

3. Let your walk speak louder than your talk.

A debater’s goal is to win the argument. A disciple’s goal is to win the person.

Far too many people who share my own Christian faith have learned that they can win a war of words but still lose the war over someone’s soul by being unnecessarily harsh and judgmental. Many non-Christians have rejected the Gospel not because of the offense of the Gospel, but because of the offensiveness of Christians.

I might be persuaded to become a Christian…..if I ever met one. – Gandhi

Arthur Burns was a Washington power broker who served in prominent governmental positions from the 1960’s through the 1980’s. He was a counselor and confidant to a number of U.S. presidents during his career. Arthur Burns was also Jewish.

That is why his regular attendance at a weekly Bible study and prayer meeting at the White House in the 1970’s was a surprise to many. Although he was warmly welcomed, different members of the group who took turns leading the meetings never called on him to pray.

One week, however, a newcomer leading the group asked Arthur Burns to close in prayer. The other members shot nervous glances at one another, wondering how Burns would respond to this awkward situation. Burns never hesitated. Instead, he joined hands with the others in the group, bowed his head, and prayed:

Lord I pray that you would bring Jews to know Jesus Christ. I pray that you would bring Muslims to know Jesus Christ. Finally, Lord, I pray that you would bring “Christians” to know Jesus Christ. Amen.

The Samaritan woman at the well was ultimately drawn to a Person, not to a dogma. When she ran into the city to tell people what had happened to her, she did not shout, “Come and listen to these ideas that have change my mind”, but “Come see a Man who has changed my life!”

Winning an argument is a tactic. Winning the person is a strategy.

Tactics win battles. Strategies win wars.

The Power of Choice: How to Choose Happiness in Every Situation

By Gary Keesee • 08 May, 2024
Reading Time 3 mins 43 secs – Are you happy right now? Or are you feeling a little grumpy, or negative, or sorry for yourself? We’ve all been there. Years ago, I had one of those months. Yes, I said months , not days. I was negative. I was feeling sorry for myself. The weight and pressures of life and certain situations were bearing down on me. For some reason, during that time, I went to a conference I really didn’t feel like going to, and the speaker got up and said he was going to talk about being thankful. Great , I thought. Just what I want to hear. What I really wanted was for someone to join me in my pity party. But that wasn’t happening. Because God knew that wasn’t what I needed. He knew I needed someone to tell me the truth. See, I had taken my eyes off of all of the blessings of God. I had stopped remembering all of the amazing times He had come through for me. I had taken my focus off of His promises and put it on my problems. That message was just what I needed. The Holy Spirit dealt with me right then about my heart and how I had been ungrateful. I had to repent. God set me free that day. Here’s the thing: studies show that when you’re happy and thankful , you have 17% more friends. When you’re happy, you live longer and you have less health problems like heart attacks, strokes, colds, the flu, and even pain. Being grateful also strengthens your emotions, makes you more optimistic and less self-centered, improves your sleep, increases your self-esteem and your energy, helps you bounce back after a setback, reduces feelings of envy, helps your marriage, makes you look better, and makes you more productive. Proverbs 17:22 (KJV) says, “ A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones .” See that? Happiness is like medicine. Discouragement sucks the life out of you. Are you reading this and thinking, “ Gary, you don’t know what I’m going through. I have serious problems” ? I understand. But here’s the thing: happiness is not circumstantial. Happiness is a choice you make. I hear it all the time… “Gary, you don’t understand. I hate my house.” Sell it. “Gary, you don’t get it. I hate my job.” Quit it. Find a new one. “Gary, I just hate my life.” CHANGE it. You’re not stuck. You have options. Every single day, you make choices to do something or NOT do something. And you have plenty of reasons to be happy. Stop thinking you can only be happy when everything seems “perfect.” Because “perfect” is really rare, and I do mean really rare. In fact, odds are there will always be something in your life that isn’t “perfect.” The good news is, no matter what you go through or deal with in life, you can still be thankful and happy, because you can always trust God despite your circumstances. Philippians 4:6 (NIV) says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God .” Wait. Did you see what that said? Notice it didn’t say, “Only be anxious about the big things you can’t handle on your own.” Nope. It says don’t be anxious about anything . It also says by prayer—and with thanksgiving —present your requests to God. That means you should be thanking Him for all He’s already done and for what He’s about to do in your situation. You should be thanking Him before your answer shows up, because He’s faithful and good. Look at Judges 20:19–25. There, we see the nation of Israel suffering great loss after a huge battle. They had lost 22,000 men. 22,000. Can you even imagine? I’m sure you’ll agree that that was a really bad day. Then, on the second day of battle, they lost 18,000 more men. 40,000 men lost in two days. The Bible tells us they took a day off at that point. They stopped and regrouped. Then, in verse 26, we see that the entire army presented offerings of thanksgiving to God. Things had gone really wrong, and they needed to remind themselves that God was for them, that He is good and faithful, that He was with them. And the next day, they went out and won the battle. So, what about you, friend? Do you need to stop? Do you need to take your mind off the negative and remind yourself that God is for you, that He is good and faithful, and that He is with you?

5 Steps to Release the Kingdom in Your Life

By Gary Keesee • 10 Apr, 2024
Reading Time 2 mins 13 secs – In John 6, we read the story of Jesus feeding 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish. Do you know it? It’s where we see Jesus teaching the disciples how to release the Kingdom of God into the earth realm. Basically, a large crowd was following Jesus, listening to Him teach, and watching Him perform miracles. It got to a point where the people needed to eat, and Jesus asked the disciples what they planned to feed the people. Of course, Jesus knew the disciples would freak out. They couldn’t feed 5,000 people. In fact, they started talking about how it would take more than half a year’s wages to buy just a bite for that many people. Jesus was teaching the disciples, and He was teaching us— the Kingdom of God has all the answers you need . How can you release the Kingdom of God into your life? Here are the five steps Jesus took. 1. Look at what you have. Jesus asked the disciples what they had to feed the people. What do you have in your life that you can give God to work with? Jesus multiplied bread into bread and fish into fish. What do you need multiplied in your life? Find some of it. That’s your seed. Also, remember that money can be named. You don’t sow money to believe for more paper or digital money. Money represents your life and can be named to be the thing you need multiplied. 2. Make sure you’re in faith. “To have faith is to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things we cannot see” (Hebrews 11:1, GNT). You have to know how to judge whether or not you’re in faith. How? Do you have the right picture? When you close your eyes, what do you see? Do you see yourself with the thing you’re believing for? Can you defend your position? Why do you believe it? Prove it! Because you can be sure that between the “Amen” and the “There it is!” the enemy is going to contend for it, so you better be able to defend it. Do you have joy, expectancy, and peace? Are you in agreement with your spouse? 3. Confess over what you have, and release it in faith. Be specific. Say exactly what you’re believing for and release the seed to God. 4. Get the plan from God. Be ready for new direction, new ideas, and new concepts by revelation from the Holy Spirit. Carry a notepad and a pen. Write everything down. 5. Act quickly! When God gives you the plan, MOVE! It’s wise to have counselors and get wisdom, but you need to act swiftly on any direction you receive from the Holy Spirit.

Want Growth and Success? Here Are 10 Steps to Help Take You There

By Gary Keesee • 13 Mar, 2024
Reading Time 2 mins 34 secs – How can you make sure you’re equipped for the growth coming your way this year? Here are my 10 steps to posture yourself for opportunity and success. 1. Ask yourself how you’re handling your current responsibilities. Don’t run from your responsibilities. No matter where you are or what you’re doing, you should be a success. People will still see the evidence of God even if you think you’re in the wrong spot. 2. Detox your life of the things that keep you from having time to think. We live in a fast-paced world. There are plenty of things that can keep you distracted. But it’s in the moments that you stop to think that you’ll find ways to solve problems, and that’s where the opportunities are. So figure out what is consuming your time. Start saying no to some things. Find time to think. 3. Don’t hang around people who are always losing. I know people hit rough spots, but if the people in your life are chronically losing, it’s time to expand your circle. Hang around people who are better than you are, who don’t see things as impossible, and who have vision. It may be uncomfortable for you, but their influence will cause you to think differently. 4. Write down EVERY idea that you have, no matter how strange it seems. Most people filter opportunities and ideas through what they perceive their ability to be. This means most people discard ideas by the dozens because they don’t think they can do them. But God isn’t limited to what you know how to do. The ideas He gives you might seem so weird to you that you can’t process them fully. Write them down so you have time to think about them. 5. Research. Research. Repeat. You don’t need to know how to do something; you need to know how to learn how to do it. Research until you find what you’re looking for. 6. Count the cost before you jump. A lot of Christians hear God and jump out too soon, resulting in catastrophe. There are seasons for everything. God will prepare you for where He wants you to go. Be patient. 7. Always be in agreement with your spouse. Never, ever march out into battle without your spouse being in total agreement and your faith aligned. 8. Ask God for direction. Ask Him to help you, to show you where to go, and what to do. And always remember that prophecy from other people shouldn’t lead you; it should only confirm what God has already said to you. 9. Commit to never quit. Quitting is not an option. Once you’ve moved, don’t move again until God speaks to you. Stay with it. Walk it out. Don’t quit. So many people have so much potential, but they get uncomfortable and they quit. If you want to win, you should always be stretching. 10. Get ready to embrace bigger things. Your ability to see the big picture will keep growing as you change and grow on the inside. You’ll pick up on even more opportunities. For more principles, check out this FREE video on success.
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