The 7 Toxic Mind-sets of a People Pleaser

Drenda Keesee • March 20, 2019

Years ago, I was a bit of a chameleon.

No, I didn’t change colors, but I was constantly changing who I was to fit what I thought people wanted me to be. And, as the culture changed its idea of the “perfect” woman, I adapted to fit that image.

I’ll never forget standing in front of the mirror with angry tears streaming down my cheeks shouting, “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!”

I felt like I could NEVER be enough for people. No matter what I did, or how hard I tried, I just fell short.

Thankfully, I learned a simple truth that brought me out of my people-pleasing prison.

You only need one person’s approval—God’s.

People pleasing can become such a deeply rooted pattern that it’s hard to recognize you’re even doing it. If you’re anything like, me, you’ve probably told yourself that you’re just being nice because it’s the right thing to do when, really, you’re letting yourself become a doormat for people who don’t have your best interests at heart.

That’s because our identities are in the wrong place.

We’re called to walk in love, but when we’re people pleasing, we are operating from a place of guilt, NOT love or obedience to God.

I learned how to stop living for the opinions of people the long, hard way, but you don’t have to.

According to Counseling Recovery, here are the seven most common mind-sets of a people pleaser:

1. If I say no, you’ll be mad.

No isn’t a negative word, especially when your no allows you to say yes to something more important. There were many times Gary and I had to say no to friends, business appointments, and work calls so we could protect our family time. If somebody has your best interests at heart, they will understand that you can’t always say yes to their demands.

If you feel afraid to say no to somebody because they’ll be mad at you, that can be a good indication that it’s time to reevaluate and potentially end that relationship.

2. To be loved, I have to be who you want me to be.

This is a really good time to talk about why it’s so important to measure EVERYTHING against the Word of God. When you do a side-by-side comparison of different messages, it becomes very clear what is of God and what isn’t. Here’s an example:

A shark says: “There is something wrong with you. If you would just change, people would love you more.”

The Word of God says:

You alone created my inner being. You knitted me together inside my mother. I will give thanks to you because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made. Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this. — Psalm 139:13-14 (GW)

If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. — John 15:18-19 (NIV)

There will always be voices of criticism telling you that you are not good enough, but there is always one voice of eternal encouragement telling you, “You are loved, and you are my delight.”

Your success in life depends on which voice you let guide your choices.

3. If you would just change, everything would be great.

Often in relationships, people pleasers try to change other people to fit what they want them to be. In fact, some people spend years on wishful thinking instead of pursuing what they really deserve. We can’t control someone else’s actions or force them to change.

Stop waiting on someone else to be accountable for your happiness, and start asking yourself: What do I need to do to follow God’s path for my life?

4. I can’t leave you; no one else will want me.

No. No. NO.

This is exactly how the enemy gets you to settle. If you’re afraid to be yourself, you’ll spend your life trying to be someone else and become VERY unhappy in the process. You will surrender your dreams at the altar of fear. Let God’s genuine love cast out that fear; He is the only one who can make you whole.

You don’t live for identity; you live FROM identity. You are worthy.

5. I can’t ask for what I want, because that’s selfish.

You’re not a bad person for having needs! God created us with desires and dreams for our lives. People pleasing stops when you start honoring who you are and become unapologetic about what you need.

Philippians 4:19 (KJV) says, “But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”

6. I have to give up who I am so that we can be happy.

If you need to perform for someone’s love, it’s conditional , and that’s not real love. Go to God. Trust His will. His love is always unconditional.

7. If you’re upset, I must have done something wrong.

People pleasers often feel responsible for other people’s feelings and actions. They are all too eager to take on the blame to maintain the approval of someone else. This is dangerous, because sharks look for people like this—people who will assume accountability for their wrongdoing.

Be very cautious; difficult people will use this trait in good people to manipulate them.

Again, this comes back to how you see yourself as well as how you talk to yourself.

When you replace negative self-talk with godly encouragement, you will start to see yourself how Gods sees you.

I want to encourage you to keep swimming , and don’t give up on turning a people-pleasing mind-set around. God did it for me, and He can do it for you too! He wants you to be happy and to thrive in your purpose and passions, in spite of the sharks that are trying to intimidate you.

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To learn more about how to successfully deal with difficult people, check out Drenda’s newest book, Shark Proof: How to Deal with Difficult People !

We learned this skill the long, hard way, but you don’t have to.

“I know that this book is going to unlock the incredible principles that changed my life. I can’t wait for you to read it!” – Drenda

People Don’t Know Who They Really Are

By Gary Keesee • June 2, 2025
Reading Time 4 mins 58 secs – Friend, I’ve been thinking a lot about identity lately. So many people are walking around without a clue about who they really are. They’re trying to find their identity in the world’s system, in what other people think, in how they look, in what they own—and they’re completely missing the revelation of who God created them to be. You Were Created with Intent Let me tell you something powerful: you are not here by accident! Before you were created in your mother’s womb, God knew you. He created you with intent, just like he did with Jeremiah. The word of the Lord came to me saying, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart. I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” —Jeremiah 1:4–5 (NIV) Now, I believe this isn’t just about Jeremiah. I believe every single person was created with intent by God. He designed you specifically with your uniqueness in mind. If you have more than three or four kids, you know they’re all completely different even in the same household! As they get older, you begin to see their unique bends and talents that you had nothing to do with. That’s because God made them for certain things and put His design in them. It’s sad that most people never discover this because their life of survival holds them in places they were never intended to be. Your Uniqueness Defines Your Value Anyone who collects something knows that the uniqueness of an item dictates its value. But here’s the thing. It’s YOUR uniqueness that God put there to be seen. People want to fit in because they don’t know who they really are. Getting Back to Basics When we look at 1 Corinthians 3, we see Paul dealing with this exact topic. This new church in Corinth was worldly; they had no concept yet of who they were. They were baby Christians, still in spiritual diapers, yet they wanted to be grown up. They wanted to drive the tractor, be seen, and have identity. They were jostling for position, all fighting over spiritual gifts, all trying to judge who was more spiritual. Paul had to write this letter to give them wisdom. He said: Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. You are still worldly. —1 Corinthians 3:1–3a (NIV) Friend, we have to go back to the basics. We've got to get this thing fixed. Finding Your Place in the Body In 1 Corinthians 12, Paul explains how the body of Christ works. The foot can’t say, “Because I’m not a hand, I don’t belong to the body.” It would still be a foot no matter how much it decided it wanted to be a hand. Why? Because God made it a foot. The ear can’t say, “Because I’m not an eye, I don’t belong to the body.” It was created as an ear with a very distinct purpose. Psalm 139 tells us: You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. ... My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place... Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. —Psalm 139:13–16 (NIV) Wow! The place where you’re going to end up has already been decided. All your days have already been ordained by God for your life. What you’re going to end up doing was written in His book before you were ever created. Discovering the Mystery of You It’s sad that so many people never discover themselves. You’ll hear me say many times that God will help you unravel the mystery of you to you. The world has raised us to bounce off the mirror: “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” And besides you in the mirror, there are a ton of comparisons. In Ephesians 4:11–13, we learn that Jesus gave the church five ministry offices: Apostles, Prophets, Evangelists, Pastors, and Teachers. Their purpose is “for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, till we all come to the unity of the faith.” Here’s what’s important. These offices are not something you pick like a job opportunity. Jesus calls people to these offices. I know when I was called. I remember that day when I had the open vision and God spoke to me saying, “I’m calling you to preach My Word” three times. Standing in Your Place For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully. —Romans 12:4–8 (NIV) I was obedient to what God called me to do. I am no better than you. I am just standing in the place God told me to stand. You need to stand in the place God told you to stand. If all of us stand in the right place, the body will function, and great things will happen. That’s only going to happen when you understand that your function is needed. It’s not a popularity contest. It’s by revelation, and you’re doing it as unto the Lord. Friend, it’s a great journey discovering who God created you to be. Don’t try to be someone else. Be exactly who God made you to be.

You Have a Mission: Understanding Your God-Given Purpose

By Gary Keesee • May 12, 2025
Reading Time 6 mins 30 secs – I’m constantly asked the same question as I travel around the country speaking to people: “Gary, what am I supposed to do with my life? What’s my purpose?” But I’m going to tell you something right now. That’s actually the wrong question to start with. See, before we can talk about what you’re supposed to do, we need to establish who you are . We live in a world that evaluates people by what they do, not who they are. That’s completely backward from God’s perspective! This broken thinking started back in the Garden when Adam lost his identity and purpose and became a survivalist. The Earth Curse System We Grew Up In God told Adam, “Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life. It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground.” —Genesis 3:17b–19a (NIV) I call this the “painful toil and sweat earth curse system.” That’s the system you and I grew up in. It creates a survivalist mentality instead of an assignment mentality. What’s the first question people ask in this system? “Where’s the money? Where’s the provision?” Adam had an original assignment—to represent God’s Kingdom on Earth and take care of God’s stuff. But he abandoned that created purpose and became a survivalist. And friend, we’ve all inherited that perverted view of life. We Need to Fix Your Identity First Now, here’s the thing. We have no business talking about your assignment or purpose until we get your identity fixed. Why? Because anything God has for you to do will be bigger than you! It’ll take more money than you have and more people than you know. It’ll take faith in God’s grace. As Ephesians 2:10 (NIV) says, “For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Our identity has been warped. Just like Adam covered himself with fig leaves, we try to cover ourselves with wealth, position, and the pride of life. We don’t want people to know the real us because we fear shame. The Prodigal Son’s Identity Crisis In Luke 15:11–24, Jesus told the story of the Prodigal Son. This is really a picture of what happened to Adam—leaving Father’s house full of provision and going to a place he thought was better, only to find it bankrupt. For the first time, this son had to be “hired.” Previously, he worked with his father in the family business. But then he had to take on an assignment that was disgusting to Jews—feeding pigs. He was totally out of position. When he finally came to his senses and returned home, what did he say? Luke 15:21 (NIV) tells us: “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’” He wanted to be made like one of his father’s hired servants. He didn’t understand who he really was! And even though the father restored him as a son, he carried this “I am not worthy” concept with him. Friend, this is what happens to us! When you feel unworthy, what do you want to do? Perform! You want to earn respect. You want people to acknowledge you’re worthy. And you perform for God. Even though we’re born again, even though we’re in Father’s house, we carry this survival mindset into our new life. And unless that is fixed, you’ll never be able to receive freely from God. Your Real Identity in Christ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son. —Romans 8:28–29a (NIV) You’re a coheir with Christ—part of the family! What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? —Romans 8:31 (NIV) No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. —Romans 8:37 (NIV) Those are powerful statements, but it’s problematic because most people aren’t confident that God is actually for them. Religion has taught you that you’re nothing but a worm crawling in the dust. But that’s not what the Bible says! Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” —2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV) For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin—because anyone who has died has been set free from sin. —Romans 6:6–7 (NIV) You’re not a measly sinner who can’t stop sinning. You’re free from sin! Created with Divine Intent The word of the Lord came to me, saying, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” —Jeremiah 1:4–5 (NIV) I believe this applies to every person. Before you were created in your mother’s womb, God created you with intent. You’re not here by accident! If you have multiple children, you know they’re all different, even in the same household. Why? Because God made them for certain things and put His design in them. Unfortunately, most people never discover that because their life of survival holds them in places they were never intended to be at. You are extremely unique! So why is everyone trying to be like everyone else? Because no one knows who they really are. Your Unique Function in the Body For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. —Romans 12:4–5 (NIV) I’m not a pastor because I chose to be. I was obedient to what God said. And I’m no better than you are. I’m just standing in the place God told me to stand. You need to stand in the place God told you to stand. If all of us stand in the right place, the body will function and great things will happen! But that’s only going to happen when you understand that your function is needed. Ready for Your Mission? So, friend, before you ask what you’re supposed to do, make sure you know who you are in Christ. But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. —1 Peter 2:9 (NIV) Until you’re absolutely convinced of your identity, we don’t need to be talking about facing your Goliath. Your Goliath knows who he is. You have to know who you are! Your purpose isn’t a career choice. It comes by revelation. Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. —Proverbs 19:21 (NIV) Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. —Psalm 139:16 (NIV) Only the Creator knows why something was built. Only God knows exactly why He created you and what He designed you to accomplish. Are you ready to discover your true mission? It starts with understanding your real identity in Christ. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. —Philippians 3:14 (NIV) When you do, you’ll stop trying to survive and start thriving in your God-given purpose! Remember John 10:10b (NIV) where Jesus said, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

Are You Taking Care of God’s Business?

By Gary Keesee • April 14, 2025
Reading Time 3 mins 8 secs – Let me ask you something. Are you truly concerned about God’s business? Or are you more focused on your own? That might be a tough question, but it’s one we all have to answer at some point. The truth is, when we align our lives with God’s agenda, everything else begins to fall into place. Jesus made it clear in Luke 2:49 (NKJV) when He said, “Did you not know that I must be about My Father’s business?” He was focused. He understood that His life was about fulfilling a divine purpose, not just going through the motions of everyday existence. And guess what? The same applies to you and me. God’s Business First A lot of people are trying to build their own lives, solve their own problems, and make their own way—only to end up frustrated, tired, and lacking. But Matthew 6:33 (NIV) gives us a powerful principle: “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” That means if we take care of God’s business, He’ll take care of ours. I’ve seen this firsthand in my own life and in the lives of countless others. When we align our time, energy, and resources with what God is doing, He ensures that we never lack what we need. Provision follows purpose. Philippians 4:19 (NIV) reminds us, “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” When we prioritize His business, He supplies all we need. What Does It Mean to Be About God’s Business? Being about God’s business isn’t just about working in ministry. It means bringing Kingdom principles into everything we do—our careers, our families, our finances, and even our daily conversations. It means: Using your talents and skills to make an impact for God’s Kingdom : “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters” (Colossians 3:23, NIV). Handling your finances according to His Word, not just worldly wisdom : “Honor the Lord with your wealth, with the firstfruits of all your crops; then your barns will be filled to overflowing, and your vats will brim over with new wine” (Proverbs 3:9–10, NIV). Being led by the Holy Spirit in decision-making, rather than reacting to circumstances : “For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God” (Romans 8:14, NIV). Viewing your work as a mission field, wherever you are. Stepping into Your Kingdom Assignment Too often, people are waiting for God to bless them before they take action. But that’s backward! When you step into your Kingdom assignment—when you take that step of faith and prioritize what God is doing—then provision, opportunities, and success start flowing your way. That’s how the Kingdom works. James 2:17b (NIV) tells us, “Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” God has called you to make a difference, to live with purpose, and to operate in the blessings of the Kingdom. But it starts with a choice: Will you focus on His business, or will you continue trying to figure things out on your own? Make the Shift Today If you’ve been struggling, feeling stuck, or wondering why things aren’t working, take a moment to check your focus. Are you aligned with God’s business? Are you seeking His Kingdom first? Proverbs 16:3 (NIV) encourages us, “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.” When you trust Him and put Him first, He will lead you to success. I challenge you today: Make the shift. Start putting God’s agenda before your own, and watch how He transforms every area of your life. His business is the best business to be in! Let’s go after it together! Watch the full message here: Are You Concerned About God's Business?