The 7 Toxic Mind-sets of a People Pleaser

Drenda Keesee • March 20, 2019

Years ago, I was a bit of a chameleon.

No, I didn’t change colors, but I was constantly changing who I was to fit what I thought people wanted me to be. And, as the culture changed its idea of the “perfect” woman, I adapted to fit that image.

I’ll never forget standing in front of the mirror with angry tears streaming down my cheeks shouting, “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!”

I felt like I could NEVER be enough for people. No matter what I did, or how hard I tried, I just fell short.

Thankfully, I learned a simple truth that brought me out of my people-pleasing prison.

You only need one person’s approval—God’s.

People pleasing can become such a deeply rooted pattern that it’s hard to recognize you’re even doing it. If you’re anything like, me, you’ve probably told yourself that you’re just being nice because it’s the right thing to do when, really, you’re letting yourself become a doormat for people who don’t have your best interests at heart.

That’s because our identities are in the wrong place.

We’re called to walk in love, but when we’re people pleasing, we are operating from a place of guilt, NOT love or obedience to God.

I learned how to stop living for the opinions of people the long, hard way, but you don’t have to.

According to Counseling Recovery, here are the seven most common mind-sets of a people pleaser:

1. If I say no, you’ll be mad.

No isn’t a negative word, especially when your no allows you to say yes to something more important. There were many times Gary and I had to say no to friends, business appointments, and work calls so we could protect our family time. If somebody has your best interests at heart, they will understand that you can’t always say yes to their demands.

If you feel afraid to say no to somebody because they’ll be mad at you, that can be a good indication that it’s time to reevaluate and potentially end that relationship.

2. To be loved, I have to be who you want me to be.

This is a really good time to talk about why it’s so important to measure EVERYTHING against the Word of God. When you do a side-by-side comparison of different messages, it becomes very clear what is of God and what isn’t. Here’s an example:

A shark says: “There is something wrong with you. If you would just change, people would love you more.”

The Word of God says:

You alone created my inner being. You knitted me together inside my mother. I will give thanks to you because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made. Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this. — Psalm 139:13-14 (GW)

If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. — John 15:18-19 (NIV)

There will always be voices of criticism telling you that you are not good enough, but there is always one voice of eternal encouragement telling you, “You are loved, and you are my delight.”

Your success in life depends on which voice you let guide your choices.

3. If you would just change, everything would be great.

Often in relationships, people pleasers try to change other people to fit what they want them to be. In fact, some people spend years on wishful thinking instead of pursuing what they really deserve. We can’t control someone else’s actions or force them to change.

Stop waiting on someone else to be accountable for your happiness, and start asking yourself: What do I need to do to follow God’s path for my life?

4. I can’t leave you; no one else will want me.

No. No. NO.

This is exactly how the enemy gets you to settle. If you’re afraid to be yourself, you’ll spend your life trying to be someone else and become VERY unhappy in the process. You will surrender your dreams at the altar of fear. Let God’s genuine love cast out that fear; He is the only one who can make you whole.

You don’t live for identity; you live FROM identity. You are worthy.

5. I can’t ask for what I want, because that’s selfish.

You’re not a bad person for having needs! God created us with desires and dreams for our lives. People pleasing stops when you start honoring who you are and become unapologetic about what you need.

Philippians 4:19 (KJV) says, “But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”

6. I have to give up who I am so that we can be happy.

If you need to perform for someone’s love, it’s conditional , and that’s not real love. Go to God. Trust His will. His love is always unconditional.

7. If you’re upset, I must have done something wrong.

People pleasers often feel responsible for other people’s feelings and actions. They are all too eager to take on the blame to maintain the approval of someone else. This is dangerous, because sharks look for people like this—people who will assume accountability for their wrongdoing.

Be very cautious; difficult people will use this trait in good people to manipulate them.

Again, this comes back to how you see yourself as well as how you talk to yourself.

When you replace negative self-talk with godly encouragement, you will start to see yourself how Gods sees you.

I want to encourage you to keep swimming , and don’t give up on turning a people-pleasing mind-set around. God did it for me, and He can do it for you too! He wants you to be happy and to thrive in your purpose and passions, in spite of the sharks that are trying to intimidate you.

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To learn more about how to successfully deal with difficult people, check out Drenda’s newest book, Shark Proof: How to Deal with Difficult People !

We learned this skill the long, hard way, but you don’t have to.

“I know that this book is going to unlock the incredible principles that changed my life. I can’t wait for you to read it!” – Drenda

Everyday Healing: God Cares About the Little Things

By Gary Keesee • August 15, 2025
Reading Time 2 mins 49 secs – Okay, let’s take a breath. Not everything has to be heavy, and healing doesn’t have to feel impossible or mysterious. Sometimes, we just need to be reminded that God actually wants us to feel better. Yes, you included. God Cares About How You Feel We can get so used to pushing through that we forget God never designed us to live burned out, worn out, or always dealing with pain. Third John (NIV) 1:2b says, “ I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well .” God’s heart is not just that we survive life. His heart is that we thrive—spirit, soul, and body. That includes your sleep. That includes your energy. That includes your mind and your moods. Healing Isn’t Just for Emergencies Most of us wait to think about healing until something significant goes wrong. A diagnosis. A surgery. A crisis. However, healing is an integral part of your daily life as a believer. You don’t have to wait for something to fall apart to lean into God’s promises. It’s kind of like drinking water; your body needs it regularly, not just when you're dehydrated. The Word is the same. It brings strength, clarity, and peace to your health before the storm hits. You’re allowed to believe in a life where you’re not constantly recovering—you’re well. Small Shifts, Big Results Maybe you’ve been dealing with something for a while—nothing catastrophic, just something that lingers. A chronic ache. Fatigue. Brain fog. A stress habit that’s hard to shake. Can I encourage you? You don’t have to settle for “just getting by.” Start speaking life over your body. Make simple changes in faith; walk a little more, drink more water, eat a bit better, get quiet with God. Healing isn’t always dramatic. Sometimes, it happens gently. Daily. Gradually. The power of God isn’t always loud, but it’s always effective. The Best Kind of Doctor He doesn’t rush your appointment. He’s never stumped by your symptoms. And He doesn’t hand you a bill at the end. He simply says, “Come to Me.” Come tired. Come unsure. Come with your questions. And He’ll give you rest (Matthew 11:28). Yes, He heals in big, miraculous ways—but He also heals in little moments of laughter, sunlight, worship, and truth. Let’s Make This Simple Healing isn’t about performance. It’s about proximity—staying close to the Healer. So, take the pressure off today. You’re not failing if you’re still waiting. You’re not disqualified if you’ve had some doubts. You’re growing. You’re learning. And most of all, you’re loved. Let healing be a conversation you have with God, not a crisis you fear. Let it be part of your everyday life with Him, not just a 911 prayer when things feel scary. A Simple Prayer to Start With “Lord, thank You that You care about every part of me. You know when I’m tired, hurting, anxious, or overwhelmed. Thank You for being my Healer, not just in emergencies but in the everyday. I receive Your peace and Your promises. I speak life over my body and my mind today, in Jesus’s name. Amen.” Take This with You Healing doesn’t have to feel far away or hard to reach. It’s not reserved for the super spiritual or the desperate. It’s available, it’s real, and it’s for right now. You don’t have to make it complicated. Just take one step. Open the Word, talk to God, speak life over yourself, and trust that He’s working behind the scenes. You don’t have to live in survival mode. You were made for wholeness. And friend? You’re allowed to feel better.

Faith Walks Before It Sees

By Gary Keesee • July 14, 2025
Reading Time 3 mins 46 secs – Picture this. You’re standing at the edge of a foggy path that winds through a forest. You’ve never walked this path before. You can’t see more than a few feet ahead. There are no signs. No map. No flashlight. Just a still, quiet voice inside telling you to start walking. Would you? Most people wouldn’t. They’d wait until the fog clears. Until the way is visible. Until they feel “sure.” But that’s not how the Kingdom works. Friend, faith walks before it sees. Hebrews 11:1 (NIV) tells us this plainly: Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Not what we can see. Not what we understand. Not what’s guaranteed. Faith is walking when it feels like you’re walking blind, but you’re actually walking guided. Let’s talk about Abraham for a second. God said to him, “...Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you” (Genesis 12:1, NIV). God didn’t show Abraham the land first. He didn’t explain all the details. He didn’t promise a step-by-step plan. God simply said, “ Go, ” and Abraham went. He didn’t argue. He didn’t delay. He didn’t ask for the weather report or route details. He trusted the voice. He walked before he saw. And because of that one step, a generational promise was unlocked. Now, let’s fast forward to the New Testament, to the story found in Matthew 14. Jesus came walking on water in the middle of the night, and Peter saw Him. Peter said, “Lord, if it’s really You, tell me to come.” And Jesus said, “Come.” What did Peter do? He stepped out of the boat and onto the water. Pause and think about that. Peter walked on water—not because he had magic in his feet but because he trusted the One who called him forward. Peter walked before he saw. Yes, he started to sink when he looked at the waves, but before that, he did what no other human besides Jesus had done: he walked on water by faith. Friend, your boat might feel safer. It might feel familiar. But if God is calling you out of it, staying there is more dangerous than stepping forward. Let’s get real for a second. There are seasons when God will not show you the full picture, on purpose. Why? Because if He showed you everything, you’d try to control it instead of trusting Him with it. Faith is trusting His character when you can’t see His hand. It’s saying yes without having every answer. It’s building the ark before the rain comes. It’s marching around Jericho before the walls fall. It’s digging a ditch before there’s a drop of rain. That’s the Kingdom. Here’s what the Bible says: “For we live by faith, not by sight,” (2 Corinthians 5:7, NIV). That’s not a metaphor. That’s a lifestyle. You don’t wait until all your fear is gone to obey. You don’t wait until you’re certain to trust. It means you don’t wait until your finances line up perfectly to give. You walk before you see. Let’s look at one more example. In Acts 9, Saul, who later became Paul, was traveling to Damascus while persecuting Christians when, suddenly, a blinding light stopped him. Jesus spoke directly to him, and Saul was blinded. God then instructed a man named Ananias to go and pray for Saul and restore his sight. Ananias was hesitant because he knew Saul’s reputation for harming believers. Despite his doubts and without any guarantees, Ananias obeyed and went to Saul. He stepped out in faith before knowing the outcome. That single act of obedience set the stage for Paul’s powerful ministry and the writing of much of the New Testament. So, let me ask you… Where is God asking you to walk, before you see? To step into a calling that scares you? To give up something you’ve leaned on for security? To trust Him with your finances? To forgive someone you haven’t gotten an apology from? Whatever it is, I want you to hear this. You don’t have to see the outcome to take the next step. You don’t have to understand the entire path to move forward in obedience. Faith walks before it sees. That’s where the miracles are. That’s where the provision is. That’s where peace is waiting. Your comfort zone won’t get you there. But your obedience will. God doesn’t need your full understanding. He needs your full surrender. So today, let this be your reminder… You don’t have to feel brave. You just have to follow. Even in the fog. Even in the unknown. Even when it doesn’t make sense. Because God is already in the place He’s calling you to. He’s gone ahead. He’s prepared the way. He’s waiting at your next step. So, take it. Because faith? It always walks before it sees.

People Don’t Know Who They Really Are

By Gary Keesee • June 2, 2025
Reading Time 4 mins 58 secs – Friend, I’ve been thinking a lot about identity lately. So many people are walking around without a clue about who they really are. They’re trying to find their identity in the world’s system, in what other people think, in how they look, in what they own—and they’re completely missing the revelation of who God created them to be. You Were Created with Intent Let me tell you something powerful: you are not here by accident! Before you were created in your mother’s womb, God knew you. He created you with intent, just like he did with Jeremiah. The word of the Lord came to me saying, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart. I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” —Jeremiah 1:4–5 (NIV) Now, I believe this isn’t just about Jeremiah. I believe every single person was created with intent by God. He designed you specifically with your uniqueness in mind. If you have more than three or four kids, you know they’re all completely different even in the same household! As they get older, you begin to see their unique bends and talents that you had nothing to do with. That’s because God made them for certain things and put His design in them. It’s sad that most people never discover this because their life of survival holds them in places they were never intended to be. Your Uniqueness Defines Your Value Anyone who collects something knows that the uniqueness of an item dictates its value. But here’s the thing. It’s YOUR uniqueness that God put there to be seen. People want to fit in because they don’t know who they really are. Getting Back to Basics When we look at 1 Corinthians 3, we see Paul dealing with this exact topic. This new church in Corinth was worldly; they had no concept yet of who they were. They were baby Christians, still in spiritual diapers, yet they wanted to be grown up. They wanted to drive the tractor, be seen, and have identity. They were jostling for position, all fighting over spiritual gifts, all trying to judge who was more spiritual. Paul had to write this letter to give them wisdom. He said: Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. You are still worldly. —1 Corinthians 3:1–3a (NIV) Friend, we have to go back to the basics. We've got to get this thing fixed. Finding Your Place in the Body In 1 Corinthians 12, Paul explains how the body of Christ works. The foot can’t say, “Because I’m not a hand, I don’t belong to the body.” It would still be a foot no matter how much it decided it wanted to be a hand. Why? Because God made it a foot. The ear can’t say, “Because I’m not an eye, I don’t belong to the body.” It was created as an ear with a very distinct purpose. Psalm 139 tells us: You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. ... My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place... Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. —Psalm 139:13–16 (NIV) Wow! The place where you’re going to end up has already been decided. All your days have already been ordained by God for your life. What you’re going to end up doing was written in His book before you were ever created. Discovering the Mystery of You It’s sad that so many people never discover themselves. You’ll hear me say many times that God will help you unravel the mystery of you to you. The world has raised us to bounce off the mirror: “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” And besides you in the mirror, there are a ton of comparisons. In Ephesians 4:11–13, we learn that Jesus gave the church five ministry offices: Apostles, Prophets, Evangelists, Pastors, and Teachers. Their purpose is “for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, till we all come to the unity of the faith.” Here’s what’s important. These offices are not something you pick like a job opportunity. Jesus calls people to these offices. I know when I was called. I remember that day when I had the open vision and God spoke to me saying, “I’m calling you to preach My Word” three times. Standing in Your Place For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully. —Romans 12:4–8 (NIV) I was obedient to what God called me to do. I am no better than you. I am just standing in the place God told me to stand. You need to stand in the place God told you to stand. If all of us stand in the right place, the body will function, and great things will happen. That’s only going to happen when you understand that your function is needed. It’s not a popularity contest. It’s by revelation, and you’re doing it as unto the Lord. Friend, it’s a great journey discovering who God created you to be. Don’t try to be someone else. Be exactly who God made you to be.