The 7 Toxic Mind-sets of a People Pleaser

Drenda Keesee • March 20, 2019

Years ago, I was a bit of a chameleon.

No, I didn’t change colors, but I was constantly changing who I was to fit what I thought people wanted me to be. And, as the culture changed its idea of the “perfect” woman, I adapted to fit that image.

I’ll never forget standing in front of the mirror with angry tears streaming down my cheeks shouting, “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!”

I felt like I could NEVER be enough for people. No matter what I did, or how hard I tried, I just fell short.

Thankfully, I learned a simple truth that brought me out of my people-pleasing prison.

You only need one person’s approval—God’s.

People pleasing can become such a deeply rooted pattern that it’s hard to recognize you’re even doing it. If you’re anything like, me, you’ve probably told yourself that you’re just being nice because it’s the right thing to do when, really, you’re letting yourself become a doormat for people who don’t have your best interests at heart.

That’s because our identities are in the wrong place.

We’re called to walk in love, but when we’re people pleasing, we are operating from a place of guilt, NOT love or obedience to God.

I learned how to stop living for the opinions of people the long, hard way, but you don’t have to.

According to Counseling Recovery, here are the seven most common mind-sets of a people pleaser:

1. If I say no, you’ll be mad.

No isn’t a negative word, especially when your no allows you to say yes to something more important. There were many times Gary and I had to say no to friends, business appointments, and work calls so we could protect our family time. If somebody has your best interests at heart, they will understand that you can’t always say yes to their demands.

If you feel afraid to say no to somebody because they’ll be mad at you, that can be a good indication that it’s time to reevaluate and potentially end that relationship.

2. To be loved, I have to be who you want me to be.

This is a really good time to talk about why it’s so important to measure EVERYTHING against the Word of God. When you do a side-by-side comparison of different messages, it becomes very clear what is of God and what isn’t. Here’s an example:

A shark says: “There is something wrong with you. If you would just change, people would love you more.”

The Word of God says:

You alone created my inner being. You knitted me together inside my mother. I will give thanks to you because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made. Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this. — Psalm 139:13-14 (GW)

If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. — John 15:18-19 (NIV)

There will always be voices of criticism telling you that you are not good enough, but there is always one voice of eternal encouragement telling you, “You are loved, and you are my delight.”

Your success in life depends on which voice you let guide your choices.

3. If you would just change, everything would be great.

Often in relationships, people pleasers try to change other people to fit what they want them to be. In fact, some people spend years on wishful thinking instead of pursuing what they really deserve. We can’t control someone else’s actions or force them to change.

Stop waiting on someone else to be accountable for your happiness, and start asking yourself: What do I need to do to follow God’s path for my life?

4. I can’t leave you; no one else will want me.

No. No. NO.

This is exactly how the enemy gets you to settle. If you’re afraid to be yourself, you’ll spend your life trying to be someone else and become VERY unhappy in the process. You will surrender your dreams at the altar of fear. Let God’s genuine love cast out that fear; He is the only one who can make you whole.

You don’t live for identity; you live FROM identity. You are worthy.

5. I can’t ask for what I want, because that’s selfish.

You’re not a bad person for having needs! God created us with desires and dreams for our lives. People pleasing stops when you start honoring who you are and become unapologetic about what you need.

Philippians 4:19 (KJV) says, “But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”

6. I have to give up who I am so that we can be happy.

If you need to perform for someone’s love, it’s conditional , and that’s not real love. Go to God. Trust His will. His love is always unconditional.

7. If you’re upset, I must have done something wrong.

People pleasers often feel responsible for other people’s feelings and actions. They are all too eager to take on the blame to maintain the approval of someone else. This is dangerous, because sharks look for people like this—people who will assume accountability for their wrongdoing.

Be very cautious; difficult people will use this trait in good people to manipulate them.

Again, this comes back to how you see yourself as well as how you talk to yourself.

When you replace negative self-talk with godly encouragement, you will start to see yourself how Gods sees you.

I want to encourage you to keep swimming , and don’t give up on turning a people-pleasing mind-set around. God did it for me, and He can do it for you too! He wants you to be happy and to thrive in your purpose and passions, in spite of the sharks that are trying to intimidate you.

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To learn more about how to successfully deal with difficult people, check out Drenda’s newest book, Shark Proof: How to Deal with Difficult People !

We learned this skill the long, hard way, but you don’t have to.

“I know that this book is going to unlock the incredible principles that changed my life. I can’t wait for you to read it!” – Drenda

When Your Faith Feels Weak

By Gary Keesee • May 18, 2026
Reading Time 5 mins 08 secs – Faith does not usually disappear all at once. It happens slowly. A little distraction here. A little neglect there. A few days without feeding on the Word of God. A few moments of fear left unchecked. Before long, you may still remember what faith felt like, but you are no longer living from that place. That is what spiritual atrophy looks like. In the natural, muscles weaken when they are not used. You may remember being strong. You may remember what you used to carry or accomplish. But when the moment comes to use that strength again, you realize something has changed. The same thing can happen spiritually. You can remember the Scriptures. You can remember past victories. You can know the right things to say. But faith is more than repeating words. Faith is agreement with heaven. More Than Saying the Right Words Jesus said in Mark 11:23 that whoever speaks to the mountain and does not doubt in his heart will have what he says. The issue is not only what comes out of your mouth. The issue is also what your heart truly believes. Many people say, “My faith is weak.” But often, the real issue is unbelief. Jesus said faith as small as a mustard seed can move a mountain (Matthew 17:20). That means the problem is not the size of your faith. If faith is present, heaven has jurisdiction. Faith is not pretending everything is fine while fear still dominates your thinking. True faith is becoming so persuaded by God’s Word that His truth feels more real than the circumstance standing in front of you. The question is this: Are you in agreement with God’s Word? Or has fear, disappointment, or a past failure painted a different picture inside of you? The Enemy Works Through Pictures Fear always tries to create an image. A bad report. A painful memory. A failed attempt. A worst-case scenario. The enemy wants you to meditate on what could go wrong until fear feels more real than God’s promise. But every promise from God carries a picture too. Healing carries a picture. Provision carries a picture. Peace carries a picture. Victory carries a picture. If the picture inside you does not match what heaven says, your thinking has to be renewed. That only happens through the Word of God. Build Your Foundation Before the Storm Jesus said the wise man built his house on the rock. When the storm came, the house stood firm because it had a foundation. The storm is not the time to begin building. Do not wait until sickness comes to search for healing Scriptures. Do not wait until pressure hits your finances to learn how God’s Kingdom works. Build now. Meditate on the Word now. Mark 4 teaches us that the Word is seed. When it is planted in your heart, it grows over time. First the stalk, then the head, then the full grain. Faith grows the same way. As you continue feeding on truth, what God says becomes more real than what circumstances say. What Comes Out First Reveals Your Foundation When pressure suddenly hits, the first words out of your mouth often reveal what you truly believe. Fear speaks quickly. But faith speaks with authority. If fear has been leading your thoughts lately, do not live condemned. Recognize where you are and go back to the Word. Strengthen what has grown weak. Let truth become alive inside you again. Because when you are fully persuaded, you stop wrestling with whether God will do what He promised. You simply stand. You Can Start Fresh Today God’s mercies are new every morning. That means yesterday does not have the final word over your life. You are not trapped by past failures, past disappointments, or seasons where you felt spiritually dry. God is not asking you to live off old victories or old encounters with Him. He invites you to walk with Him daily, to be renewed daily, and to grow stronger daily. You are not stuck in spiritual weakness. Faith can be rebuilt. Strength can return. Your confidence in God can grow again. The same way muscles strengthen through consistent exercise and nourishment, your spirit becomes strong when it is continually fed with truth. Every moment spent in God’s Word is building something inside of you. Even when you cannot immediately see it, the seed is growing. You can renew your mind. You can rebuild your foundation. You can feed your spirit until faith rises again and God’s promises become more real to you than fear, pressure, or uncertainty. The enemy may look for an opportune time, but you do not have to live vulnerable or unprepared. When your life is built on the Word, you are not easily shaken by bad reports, changing circumstances, or unexpected pressure. You know where your confidence comes from. Build your life on truth. Stay spiritually nourished. Guard what you allow into your heart and mind. Listen to the Holy Spirit, and follow His direction day by day. And when pressure comes, you will not collapse under it. You will stand firm, anchored in the promises of God and confident that He is faithful to finish what He started in you. A Simple Prayer Father, Thank You for Your Word and for teaching me how Your Kingdom operates. Show me where fear, unbelief, or wrong thinking has taken root in my heart. Help me renew my mind and become fully persuaded of Your promises. Strengthen my faith, guide me by Your Spirit, and teach me to stand firmly on Your truth. In Jesus’s name, I pray. Amen. 

You Were Created to Live Free From Fear

By Gary Keesee • April 8, 2026
Reading Time 4 mins 25 secs – Fear feels real. It talks loudly. It paints pictures. It rehearses worst-case scenarios. And if you do not know how to stop it, it will try to script your future before you ever get there. But fear is not truth. Fear is not fact. And through God’s Word, you can live free from it. Scripture says plainly, “ Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me” (Psalm 23:4a, NIV). Notice that carefully. It does not say fear is unavoidable. It does not say anxiety is your permanent condition. It does not say torment is part of your identity. It says, I will fear no evil. That means freedom from fear is possible. Fear Works Through Images Fear often begins with a thought, but it does not stop there. It immediately tries to form a picture. The doctor says something concerning, and fear paints the ending. The bank account drops, and fear paints the ending. A symptom shows up, and fear paints the ending. A problem hits your family, and fear paints the ending. That is how the enemy works. He presents an image and tries to convince you it is reality. But just because something enters your mind does not mean it is true. Fear is an imagination. It is an illusion. It may feel convincing, but that does not make it a fact. The enemy wants you to meditate on what could go wrong. God calls you to stand on what He said. The Real Battle Is at the Root Fear is often treated like the main problem. But fear is really a symptom. Like a fever in the body, it points to something deeper that needs attention. The deeper issue is what you believe. If fear keeps dominating your thoughts, then somewhere a lie has been accepted as truth. That is why the answer is not just trying harder to calm down. The answer is renewing your mind. You must identify the lie. Then you must replace it with truth. Second Corinthians 10:5 reminds us that we are to cast down imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God. That means you do not let fearful thoughts sit in your mind and build a home there. You reject them. You replace them. You do not fight fear by admiring it, analyzing it, or entertaining it. You fight fear by confronting it with truth. What You Are Anchored to Matters Life will always present moments that seem dangerous, uncertain, or impossible. The question is not whether you will face pressure. The question is what you are anchored to when pressure comes. If your confidence is anchored to circumstances, you will always feel unstable. Circumstances change. Reports change. Emotions change. But God’s Word does not change. Truth can hold you. Just as a climber trusts the anchor that keeps him from falling, you must learn to trust the promises of God more than the pictures fear is trying to show you. When your life is anchored to truth, fear loses its power to dominate your thinking. Renewing Your Mind Changes What Feels Possible There was a time when many things people now accept with confidence would have seemed impossible. Flight looked impossible. Certain athletic feats looked impossible. What changed? Knowledge. Training. Repetition. Confidence in a higher law. In the same way, many believers still live under the assumption that fear is normal, fear is wise, fear is protective, or fear is just part of life. But God’s Kingdom operates differently. In Romans 12:2a (NIV), it says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Transformation does not happen by accident. It happens when you retrain your thinking with truth. The world trains people to expect loss, danger, failure, sickness, and defeat. God trains His people to expect His faithfulness, His promises, His strength, and His victory. If you keep feeding on fear, fear will feel natural. If you feed on truth, freedom will become normal. You Must Replace the Picture You cannot simply tell yourself not to think about something. You must replace the wrong picture with the right one. If fear says, “This will destroy you,” answer with what God says. If fear says, “You are going under,” answer with what God says. If fear says, “You will never recover,” answer with what God says. Truth is the antidote. When God promises healing, provision, peace, protection, and victory, those promises carry pictures. They are meant to shape your imagination. Too many people meditate on everything that can go wrong. But faith grows when you meditate on what God has already said in His Word. The enemy wants your imagination captured by fear. God wants your imagination renewed by truth. Your Future Does Not Belong to Fear Many people have lived so long under fear that they assume it will always define them. It will not. You can be free. Your life does not have to be governed by fear of sickness. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of lack. Fear of loss. Fear of the future. God did not create you to live tormented. He created you to live in His Kingdom, under His rule, with His peace, and in the confidence of His promises. The future belongs to those who believe what God says more than what fear suggests. So, start again. Open your Bible. Find out who you really are. Train your mind in truth. Reject the lie. Hold onto His promises. And refuse to let fear write a story God never wrote for you. A Simple Prayer Father,  Thank You for not giving me a spirit of fear. Thank You for giving me power, love, and a sound mind. Help me recognize every lie the enemy tries to plant in my thoughts. Teach me to renew my mind with Your Word and to reject every imagination that rises against the truth of who You are and who I am in Christ. Strengthen me to stand on Your promises, speak with authority, and live in the freedom You have given me. In Jesus’s name, I pray. Amen.

Choose Your Circle, Choose Your Future

By Gary Keesee • March 12, 2026
Reading Time 4 mins 40 secs – If you want to see your future, take a look at your friends. Scripture says plainly, “Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33, NIV). That’s not a suggestion. That’s a warning. And the deception is thinking your good character will automatically change the people around you. Sometimes it can. But often, it’s the other way around. Who speaks into your life matters. Who challenges you matters. Who flatters you matters. Who you follow matters. All of it shapes where you end up. The Deception About Influence Many people fall into what’s called false responsibility. They want someone else’s success more than that person wants it for themselves. They believe they can fix, carry, or rescue someone who isn’t willing to change. You must understand something clearly: God sends people, and the enemy sends people. Not every opportunity is from God. Not every relationship is divinely aligned. One of the clearest warning signs is constant flattery. When someone continually builds you up without ever challenging you, pay attention. Flattery often hides motive. That’s why you must judge your friendships carefully. Fear Is Contagious, and So Is Courage Before Israel went into battle, Moses gave a striking instruction: if someone was afraid or faint-hearted, send them home. Why? Because fear spreads. Fear talks. Doubt talks. Unbelief talks. But courage talks too. Faith talks too. Vision talks too. The people around you will either magnify the obstacle or magnify the promise. They will either rehearse what could go wrong or remind you what God said. Choose wisely. Proof That Who You Follow Changes You After David defeated Goliath, King Saul pursued him. David escaped to a cave. Not a palace, not a resort—a cave. And 400 men followed him. The Bible describes them as distressed, in debt, and discontented. That doesn’t sound like leadership material. But something changed. Those same men became David’s mighty men of valor. They performed exploits. They accumulated wealth. They became strong, disciplined warriors. What happened? They followed someone who carried covenant confidence. They followed faith instead of fear. And they were transformed. Who you follow will change you, either for good or for worse. The Cost of the Wrong Circle You don’t have to make the wrong decision yourself to feel the consequences of being in the wrong environment. Association carries weight. When you attach yourself to people who are reckless, careless, or spiritually drifting, their choices begin to affect your direction. Influence is subtle at first. It doesn’t feel dangerous. It feels normal. Comfortable. Accepted. But over time, conversations shape thinking. Thinking shapes decisions. Decisions shape outcomes. That’s why Scripture says not to be deceived. The drift rarely feels dramatic in the beginning. It feels gradual. You may never intend to compromise your standards. You may never plan to move away from your convictions. But proximity has power. What you tolerate eventually influences what you participate in. This is not about isolation. It’s about discernment. You can love everyone. You can minister to anyone. But you must be wise about who has consistent access to your life. Because you don’t have to commit the act to feel the consequence of the association. Choose your circle carefully. Not Everyone Qualifies for Close Access There are people you minister to. There are people you love. There are people you encourage. But not everyone qualifies to be your close companion. Ezra warned Israel not to make treaties of friendship with those whose practices would corrupt them. The principle still applies: don’t make agreements with influences that pull you away from God. There are relationships you need to: Increase Maintain Or discontinue And you must discern which is which. The righteous choose their friends carefully. What Healthy Friendship Looks Like The right people in your life will: Encourage your walk with God Strengthen your faith Uphold your marriage and family Believe in you Challenge you past your comfort zone Correct you when you’re wrong A true friend will tell you the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable. An enemy flatters. A friend sharpens. If no one in your life can correct you, you’re vulnerable. Hold Unswervingly Hebrews instructs us to hold unswervingly to the hope we profess and to encourage one another toward love and good deeds. “Unswervingly” means steady. Unwavering. Not drifting. The right friendships help you stay steady. The wrong ones slowly pull you off course, usually so gradually you don’t notice until you’re far from where you intended to be. Make a decision: as for you and your house, you will serve the Lord. And build your circle around that decision. A Simple Prayer Father,  Thank You for guiding my steps and ordering my relationships. Give me wisdom to choose my circle carefully. Help me discern the voices that strengthen my faith and the ones that pull me away. Surround me with people who challenge me, correct me, and encourage me to follow You fully. Give me courage to walk away from anything that hinders my walk with You. In Jesus’s name, I pray. Amen.