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The 7 Toxic Mind-sets of a People Pleaser

Drenda Keesee • Mar 20, 2019

Years ago, I was a bit of a chameleon.

No, I didn’t change colors, but I was constantly changing who I was to fit what I thought people wanted me to be. And, as the culture changed its idea of the “perfect” woman, I adapted to fit that image.

I’ll never forget standing in front of the mirror with angry tears streaming down my cheeks shouting, “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!”

I felt like I could NEVER be enough for people. No matter what I did, or how hard I tried, I just fell short.

Thankfully, I learned a simple truth that brought me out of my people-pleasing prison.

You only need one person’s approval—God’s.

People pleasing can become such a deeply rooted pattern that it’s hard to recognize you’re even doing it. If you’re anything like, me, you’ve probably told yourself that you’re just being nice because it’s the right thing to do when, really, you’re letting yourself become a doormat for people who don’t have your best interests at heart.

That’s because our identities are in the wrong place.

We’re called to walk in love, but when we’re people pleasing, we are operating from a place of guilt, NOT love or obedience to God.

I learned how to stop living for the opinions of people the long, hard way, but you don’t have to.

According to Counseling Recovery, here are the seven most common mind-sets of a people pleaser:

1. If I say no, you’ll be mad.

No isn’t a negative word, especially when your no allows you to say yes to something more important. There were many times Gary and I had to say no to friends, business appointments, and work calls so we could protect our family time. If somebody has your best interests at heart, they will understand that you can’t always say yes to their demands.

If you feel afraid to say no to somebody because they’ll be mad at you, that can be a good indication that it’s time to reevaluate and potentially end that relationship.

2. To be loved, I have to be who you want me to be.

This is a really good time to talk about why it’s so important to measure EVERYTHING against the Word of God. When you do a side-by-side comparison of different messages, it becomes very clear what is of God and what isn’t. Here’s an example:

A shark says: “There is something wrong with you. If you would just change, people would love you more.”

The Word of God says:

You alone created my inner being. You knitted me together inside my mother. I will give thanks to you because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made. Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this. — Psalm 139:13-14 (GW)

If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. — John 15:18-19 (NIV)

There will always be voices of criticism telling you that you are not good enough, but there is always one voice of eternal encouragement telling you, “You are loved, and you are my delight.”

Your success in life depends on which voice you let guide your choices.

3. If you would just change, everything would be great.

Often in relationships, people pleasers try to change other people to fit what they want them to be. In fact, some people spend years on wishful thinking instead of pursuing what they really deserve. We can’t control someone else’s actions or force them to change.

Stop waiting on someone else to be accountable for your happiness, and start asking yourself: What do I need to do to follow God’s path for my life?

4. I can’t leave you; no one else will want me.

No. No. NO.

This is exactly how the enemy gets you to settle. If you’re afraid to be yourself, you’ll spend your life trying to be someone else and become VERY unhappy in the process. You will surrender your dreams at the altar of fear. Let God’s genuine love cast out that fear; He is the only one who can make you whole.

You don’t live for identity; you live FROM identity. You are worthy.

5. I can’t ask for what I want, because that’s selfish.

You’re not a bad person for having needs! God created us with desires and dreams for our lives. People pleasing stops when you start honoring who you are and become unapologetic about what you need.

Philippians 4:19 (KJV) says, “But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”

6. I have to give up who I am so that we can be happy.

If you need to perform for someone’s love, it’s conditional , and that’s not real love. Go to God. Trust His will. His love is always unconditional.

7. If you’re upset, I must have done something wrong.

People pleasers often feel responsible for other people’s feelings and actions. They are all too eager to take on the blame to maintain the approval of someone else. This is dangerous, because sharks look for people like this—people who will assume accountability for their wrongdoing.

Be very cautious; difficult people will use this trait in good people to manipulate them.

Again, this comes back to how you see yourself as well as how you talk to yourself.

When you replace negative self-talk with godly encouragement, you will start to see yourself how Gods sees you.

I want to encourage you to keep swimming , and don’t give up on turning a people-pleasing mind-set around. God did it for me, and He can do it for you too! He wants you to be happy and to thrive in your purpose and passions, in spite of the sharks that are trying to intimidate you.

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To learn more about how to successfully deal with difficult people, check out Drenda’s newest book, Shark Proof: How to Deal with Difficult People !

We learned this skill the long, hard way, but you don’t have to.

“I know that this book is going to unlock the incredible principles that changed my life. I can’t wait for you to read it!” – Drenda

5 Steps to Release the Kingdom in Your Life

By Gary Keesee • 10 Apr, 2024
Reading Time 2 mins 13 secs – In John 6, we read the story of Jesus feeding 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish. Do you know it? It’s where we see Jesus teaching the disciples how to release the Kingdom of God into the earth realm. Basically, a large crowd was following Jesus, listening to Him teach, and watching Him perform miracles. It got to a point where the people needed to eat, and Jesus asked the disciples what they planned to feed the people. Of course, Jesus knew the disciples would freak out. They couldn’t feed 5,000 people. In fact, they started talking about how it would take more than half a year’s wages to buy just a bite for that many people. Jesus was teaching the disciples, and He was teaching us— the Kingdom of God has all the answers you need . How can you release the Kingdom of God into your life? Here are the five steps Jesus took. 1. Look at what you have. Jesus asked the disciples what they had to feed the people. What do you have in your life that you can give God to work with? Jesus multiplied bread into bread and fish into fish. What do you need multiplied in your life? Find some of it. That’s your seed. Also, remember that money can be named. You don’t sow money to believe for more paper or digital money. Money represents your life and can be named to be the thing you need multiplied. 2. Make sure you’re in faith. “To have faith is to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things we cannot see” (Hebrews 11:1, GNT). You have to know how to judge whether or not you’re in faith. How? Do you have the right picture? When you close your eyes, what do you see? Do you see yourself with the thing you’re believing for? Can you defend your position? Why do you believe it? Prove it! Because you can be sure that between the “Amen” and the “There it is!” the enemy is going to contend for it, so you better be able to defend it. Do you have joy, expectancy, and peace? Are you in agreement with your spouse? 3. Confess over what you have, and release it in faith. Be specific. Say exactly what you’re believing for and release the seed to God. 4. Get the plan from God. Be ready for new direction, new ideas, and new concepts by revelation from the Holy Spirit. Carry a notepad and a pen. Write everything down. 5. Act quickly! When God gives you the plan, MOVE! It’s wise to have counselors and get wisdom, but you need to act swiftly on any direction you receive from the Holy Spirit.

Want Growth and Success? Here Are 10 Steps to Help Take You There

By Gary Keesee • 13 Mar, 2024
Reading Time 2 mins 34 secs – How can you make sure you’re equipped for the growth coming your way this year? Here are my 10 steps to posture yourself for opportunity and success. 1. Ask yourself how you’re handling your current responsibilities. Don’t run from your responsibilities. No matter where you are or what you’re doing, you should be a success. People will still see the evidence of God even if you think you’re in the wrong spot. 2. Detox your life of the things that keep you from having time to think. We live in a fast-paced world. There are plenty of things that can keep you distracted. But it’s in the moments that you stop to think that you’ll find ways to solve problems, and that’s where the opportunities are. So figure out what is consuming your time. Start saying no to some things. Find time to think. 3. Don’t hang around people who are always losing. I know people hit rough spots, but if the people in your life are chronically losing, it’s time to expand your circle. Hang around people who are better than you are, who don’t see things as impossible, and who have vision. It may be uncomfortable for you, but their influence will cause you to think differently. 4. Write down EVERY idea that you have, no matter how strange it seems. Most people filter opportunities and ideas through what they perceive their ability to be. This means most people discard ideas by the dozens because they don’t think they can do them. But God isn’t limited to what you know how to do. The ideas He gives you might seem so weird to you that you can’t process them fully. Write them down so you have time to think about them. 5. Research. Research. Repeat. You don’t need to know how to do something; you need to know how to learn how to do it. Research until you find what you’re looking for. 6. Count the cost before you jump. A lot of Christians hear God and jump out too soon, resulting in catastrophe. There are seasons for everything. God will prepare you for where He wants you to go. Be patient. 7. Always be in agreement with your spouse. Never, ever march out into battle without your spouse being in total agreement and your faith aligned. 8. Ask God for direction. Ask Him to help you, to show you where to go, and what to do. And always remember that prophecy from other people shouldn’t lead you; it should only confirm what God has already said to you. 9. Commit to never quit. Quitting is not an option. Once you’ve moved, don’t move again until God speaks to you. Stay with it. Walk it out. Don’t quit. So many people have so much potential, but they get uncomfortable and they quit. If you want to win, you should always be stretching. 10. Get ready to embrace bigger things. Your ability to see the big picture will keep growing as you change and grow on the inside. You’ll pick up on even more opportunities. For more principles, check out this FREE video on success.

The Consequences of Strife: Why You Should Never Allow It in Your Life

By Drenda Keesee • 14 Feb, 2024
Reading Time 2 mins 59 secs – A stuffed toy laid in the road at the scene of the accident. As we passed, the Lord spoke to me, “ Okay, this is your last warning. Are you going to continue this? You know you are opening the door to the enemy.” Gary and I had had a disagreement just before we had left the house for our family road trip. And there we were six hours in and we’d barely said a word to one another. Six hours. You think driving from Ohio to Tennessee is a long stretch of highway? Try doing it while giving someone the silent treatment. One word: torture. Then we passed the accident. Gary and I both felt the same conviction when we passed it, especially because it clearly involved children. But... pride. We knew what we were doing wasn’t good. (What kind of example is it to your children to ignore each other?) But neither of us wanted to lay down our pride. I kept hearing the voice of the Lord, and I’d think, No, I’m not going to fix this thing, because then I’ll have to talk to him. It was almost a competition to see who could hold our grudge for the longest. But strife is dangerous stuff. What is strife? Drama, conflict, friction, disagreement, bickering, arguing, bad blood, disputes… whichever words you use to describe it, it’s dangerous. Whether it’s between you and your spouse, you and your child, you and a friend, you and a family member, or you and a coworker, you don’t want to let strife remain in your life. The Bible says that where there is strife, there is confusion and there is every evil work (James 3:16). Our small argument between Gary and I had gone unchecked and had escalated, and neither one of us were listening to the voice of the Lord. And there were consequences for our strife and outright disobedience. About an hour after we passed the accident, a car pulled out in front of our vehicle, and we were in what could have been a very serious car accident. I started yelling the name of Jesus, and God supernaturally protected our entire family. Initially, it looked as though there were going to be serious issues. They told us our son’s spleen might rupture. I was pregnant, and the doctors worried that I might lose the baby. Through all of these things, we stood on the Word of God, and we all came out unharmed, including the young preacher’s son who had pulled out in front of us (he was in disobedience at that moment too). Even in the midst of this difficult situation, through our prayers, standing on God’s Word, and our children’s words to the medical personnel, we had opportunities to minister and impact the little county hospital we had to visit. The enemy tried to take us out, but he lost. We were responsible for opening the door to the enemy. But the name of Jesus is more powerful than our mistakes and circumstances, and that is what kept us protected. You MUST stay on guard and not allow strife in your life, with anyone. How? Here are just three quick tips: Bite your tongue. You don’t have to say everything you think. Don’t lash out or give the silent treatment. Work on communicating with others in a healthy way. Repent quickly and forgive quickly. Take responsibility; admit when you’re wrong. Say you’re sorry and ask for forgiveness. Don’t hold onto hurts. Forgive as you’ve been forgiven by Jesus.
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