“I’m so tired of picking up your laundry!”
“You overspent again!”
“You never make time for me!”
How many times have you said something like that to your spouse?
Or wanted
to say something like that to them?
How often do you allow yourself to get into a pattern of bickering with your spouse over things like money, household responsibilities, how often you talk to your mother (yes, I wrote that), how often you have sex (yes, I wrote that too), or other issues?
If you’ve ever fallen into a pattern of bickering with your spouse, you know how easy it is to stay there.
And that’s just what the enemy wants.
Because he knows that if he can keep you fighting over the dirty laundry, who’s on bath duty, who spends more money, or anything else, then he can keep you out of unity and away from your inheritance in the Kingdom of God.
The enemy’s greatest goal is to divide and conquer, and too often we let him in our marriages.
Ephesians 6:12 reminds us that our enemy is not flesh and blood, but the rulers of the darkness of this world.
Why do we forget that? Why are we willing to practically wage war with the person we’re supposed to love most over the most insignificant things?
Are the petty things like him not emptying the trash or her buying that extra pair of earrings really worth you missing out on the promises of God? No!
So how do you stop looking at your spouse as your enemy and build unity in your marriage?
1. Make sure there is no sin in your life.
Sin destroys unity—not just between you and your spouse, but between you and God. Confess it, and eliminate it from your life.
2. Don’t compare yourself or your spouse to others.
No couple is perfect, and no person is perfect. Don’t be deceived into believing the grass is greener anywhere else. Remember, you only see people’s public face, not their private struggles.
3. Focus on the positive in your spouse.
We ALL have faults. Sadly, it’s human nature to hide our own faults but point out the weaknesses in others. God sees both you and your spouse as valuable. Try looking at your spouse the same way. Find positive things to focus on, and things to be grateful for.
4. Pay attention to what you’re saying.
Use your words to build up, not tear down. Your words are seeds that will
produce fruit. Don’t say things like, “You never…” or “You always…” Realize how much power your words have to build unity in your marriage or destroy it.
5. Pray together.
If you’ve never prayed together, or if it’s been awhile, it WILL be awkward and uncomfortable. Do it anyway.
6. Learn more about the differences between you and your spouse as a man and a woman.
It's not hard to see that we communicate differently. The more you understand that, and work on it, the less communication breakdowns will occur in your marriage.
7. Squash selfishness.
Really think about whether you’re placing your needs over those of your spouse. Selfishness can easily squash any
hopes of unity. Squash it first.
8. Forgive.
Holding onto an offense or hurt does nothing to help you. It only turns into bitterness. I love this quote from Ruth Bell Graham: “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”
9. Apologize.
Say you’re sorry, first. Being too prideful to admit when you’re wrong only builds walls of separation in your relationship.
10. Work at being a good friend.
This is a big one. All too often, we work more at being a good friend to our friends,
but we stink at being a good friend to our spouse. Change that.
Figure out your spouse's love language and communicate it. Make plans to do something fun together. Be the friend for your spouse that you want him/her to be for you.
11. Set goals together and accomplish them as a team.
Many of us show ourselves as valuable team members at work, in class, and in sports, but we’d be downright embarrassed if those same people saw how we work (or don’t work) together with our spouses. Change!
12. Have sex!
It's sad that I even need to type this, but it's an issue that impacts the unity of so many marriages! Remember that the marriage bed is the healing oil that makes the two one flesh.
13. Commit, or recommit, your marriage to God.
Last, but definitely not least, this is the most important tip. God can help you recognize when your marriage is under attack, free you from any insecurities or failures that are preventing you from being one in your relationship, and give you an understanding of His design for marriage.
Marriage isn’t always butterflies and rainbows. There will be bumps in the road. There will be times when all you want to do is give up. But, as someone who has been married for more than 35 years, I can tell you that working through your differences and fighting for your marriage is well worth the effort.
The reward is so much greater than the struggles.
Make the decision to apply these tips to your marriage regardless of whether your spouse reciprocates or is accepting of the change in you. It’s YOUR actions that will win his/her heart over.
1 Peter 3:1-2 (NIV) says, “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”