Blog Layout

Your Spouse Is Not The Enemy (No Matter How You Feel)

Drenda Keesee • Jul 13, 2020
“I’m so tired of picking up your laundry!”

“You overspent again!”

“You never make time for me!”

How many times have you said something like that to your spouse?
 Or wanted to say something like that to them?

How often do you allow yourself to get into a pattern of bickering with your spouse over things like money, household responsibilities, how often you talk to your mother (yes, I wrote that), how often you have sex (yes, I wrote that too), or other issues?

If you’ve ever fallen into a pattern of bickering with your spouse, you know how easy it is to stay there.

And that’s just what the enemy wants.

Because he knows that if he can keep you fighting over the dirty laundry, who’s on bath duty, who spends more money, or anything else, then he can keep you out of unity and away from your inheritance in the Kingdom of God.

The enemy’s greatest goal is to divide and conquer, and too often we let him in our marriages.

Ephesians 6:12 reminds us that our enemy is not flesh and blood, but the rulers of the darkness of this world.

Why do we forget that? Why are we willing to practically wage war with the person we’re supposed to love most over the most insignificant things?

Are the petty things like him not emptying the trash or her buying that extra pair of earrings really worth you missing out on the promises of God? No!

So how do you stop looking at your spouse as your enemy and build unity in your marriage?

1. Make sure there is no sin in your life.

Sin destroys unity—not just between you and your spouse, but between you and God. Confess it, and eliminate it from your life.

2. Don’t compare yourself or your spouse to others.

No couple is perfect, and no person is perfect. Don’t be deceived into believing the grass is greener anywhere else. Remember, you only see people’s public face, not their private struggles.

3. Focus on the positive in your spouse.

We ALL have faults. Sadly, it’s human nature to hide our own faults but point out the weaknesses in others. God sees both you and your spouse as valuable. Try looking at your spouse the same way. Find positive things to focus on, and things to be grateful for.

4. Pay attention to what you’re saying.

Use your words to build up, not tear down. Your words are seeds that will produce fruit. Don’t say things like, “You never…” or “You always…” Realize how much power your words have to build unity in your marriage or destroy it.

5. Pray together.

If you’ve never prayed together, or if it’s been awhile, it WILL be awkward and uncomfortable. Do it anyway.

6. Learn more about the differences between you and your spouse as a man and a woman.

It's not hard to see that we communicate differently. The more you understand that, and work on it, the less communication breakdowns will occur in your marriage.

7. Squash selfishness.
Really think about whether you’re placing your needs over those of your spouse. Selfishness can easily squash any hopes of unity. Squash it first.

8. Forgive.
Holding onto an offense or hurt does nothing to help you. It only turns into bitterness. I love this quote from Ruth Bell Graham: “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”

9. Apologize.
Say you’re sorry, first. Being too prideful to admit when you’re wrong only builds walls of separation in your relationship.

10. Work at being a good friend.
This is a big one. All too often, we work more at being a good friend to our friends, but we stink at being a good friend to our spouse. Change that. Figure out your spouse's love language and communicate it. Make plans to do something fun together. Be the friend for your spouse that you want him/her to be for you.

11. Set goals together and accomplish them as a team.
Many of us show ourselves as valuable team members at work, in class, and in sports, but we’d be downright embarrassed if those same people saw how we work (or don’t work) together with our spouses. Change!

12. Have sex!
It's sad that I even need to type this, but it's an issue that impacts the unity of so many marriages! Remember that the marriage bed is the healing oil that makes the two one flesh.

13. Commit, or recommit, your marriage to God.
Last, but definitely not least, this is the most important tip. God can help you recognize when your marriage is under attack, free you from any insecurities or failures that are preventing you from being one in your relationship, and give you an understanding of His design for marriage.

Marriage isn’t always butterflies and rainbows. There will be bumps in the road. There will be times when all you want to do is give up. But, as someone who has been married for more than 35 years, I can tell you that working through your differences and fighting for your marriage is well worth the effort.

The reward is so much greater than the struggles.

Make the decision to apply these tips to your marriage regardless of whether your spouse reciprocates or is accepting of the change in you. It’s YOUR actions that will win his/her heart over.

1 Peter 3:1-2 (NIV) says, “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”

Want to know more about how to build unity in your marriage and keep the love alive? Download your copy of our Marriage Makeover 6-part teaching now. Whether you've been married for twenty years or twenty days, whether you're ready to call it quits or simply want to make a great thing better, this series is for you.

By Gary Keesee 08 May, 2024
Reading Time 3 mins 43 secs – Are you happy right now? Or are you feeling a little grumpy, or negative, or sorry for yourself? We’ve all been there. Years ago, I had one of those months. Yes, I said months , not days. I was negative. I was feeling sorry for myself. The weight and pressures of life and certain situations were bearing down on me. For some reason, during that time, I went to a conference I really didn’t feel like going to, and the speaker got up and said he was going to talk about being thankful. Great , I thought. Just what I want to hear. What I really wanted was for someone to join me in my pity party. But that wasn’t happening. Because God knew that wasn’t what I needed. He knew I needed someone to tell me the truth. See, I had taken my eyes off of all of the blessings of God. I had stopped remembering all of the amazing times He had come through for me. I had taken my focus off of His promises and put it on my problems. That message was just what I needed. The Holy Spirit dealt with me right then about my heart and how I had been ungrateful. I had to repent. God set me free that day. Here’s the thing: studies show that when you’re happy and thankful , you have 17% more friends. When you’re happy, you live longer and you have less health problems like heart attacks, strokes, colds, the flu, and even pain. Being grateful also strengthens your emotions, makes you more optimistic and less self-centered, improves your sleep, increases your self-esteem and your energy, helps you bounce back after a setback, reduces feelings of envy, helps your marriage, makes you look better, and makes you more productive. Proverbs 17:22 (KJV) says, “ A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones .” See that? Happiness is like medicine. Discouragement sucks the life out of you. Are you reading this and thinking, “ Gary, you don’t know what I’m going through. I have serious problems” ? I understand. But here’s the thing: happiness is not circumstantial. Happiness is a choice you make. I hear it all the time… “Gary, you don’t understand. I hate my house.” Sell it. “Gary, you don’t get it. I hate my job.” Quit it. Find a new one. “Gary, I just hate my life.” CHANGE it. You’re not stuck. You have options. Every single day, you make choices to do something or NOT do something. And you have plenty of reasons to be happy. Stop thinking you can only be happy when everything seems “perfect.” Because “perfect” is really rare, and I do mean really rare. In fact, odds are there will always be something in your life that isn’t “perfect.” The good news is, no matter what you go through or deal with in life, you can still be thankful and happy, because you can always trust God despite your circumstances. Philippians 4:6 (NIV) says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God .” Wait. Did you see what that said? Notice it didn’t say, “Only be anxious about the big things you can’t handle on your own.” Nope. It says don’t be anxious about anything . It also says by prayer—and with thanksgiving —present your requests to God. That means you should be thanking Him for all He’s already done and for what He’s about to do in your situation. You should be thanking Him before your answer shows up, because He’s faithful and good. Look at Judges 20:19–25. There, we see the nation of Israel suffering great loss after a huge battle. They had lost 22,000 men. 22,000. Can you even imagine? I’m sure you’ll agree that that was a really bad day. Then, on the second day of battle, they lost 18,000 more men. 40,000 men lost in two days. The Bible tells us they took a day off at that point. They stopped and regrouped. Then, in verse 26, we see that the entire army presented offerings of thanksgiving to God. Things had gone really wrong, and they needed to remind themselves that God was for them, that He is good and faithful, that He was with them. And the next day, they went out and won the battle. So, what about you, friend? Do you need to stop? Do you need to take your mind off the negative and remind yourself that God is for you, that He is good and faithful, and that He is with you?
By Gary Keesee 10 Apr, 2024
Reading Time 2 mins 13 secs – In John 6, we read the story of Jesus feeding 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish. Do you know it? It’s where we see Jesus teaching the disciples how to release the Kingdom of God into the earth realm. Basically, a large crowd was following Jesus, listening to Him teach, and watching Him perform miracles. It got to a point where the people needed to eat, and Jesus asked the disciples what they planned to feed the people. Of course, Jesus knew the disciples would freak out. They couldn’t feed 5,000 people. In fact, they started talking about how it would take more than half a year’s wages to buy just a bite for that many people. Jesus was teaching the disciples, and He was teaching us— the Kingdom of God has all the answers you need . How can you release the Kingdom of God into your life? Here are the five steps Jesus took. 1. Look at what you have. Jesus asked the disciples what they had to feed the people. What do you have in your life that you can give God to work with? Jesus multiplied bread into bread and fish into fish. What do you need multiplied in your life? Find some of it. That’s your seed. Also, remember that money can be named. You don’t sow money to believe for more paper or digital money. Money represents your life and can be named to be the thing you need multiplied. 2. Make sure you’re in faith. “To have faith is to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things we cannot see” (Hebrews 11:1, GNT). You have to know how to judge whether or not you’re in faith. How? Do you have the right picture? When you close your eyes, what do you see? Do you see yourself with the thing you’re believing for? Can you defend your position? Why do you believe it? Prove it! Because you can be sure that between the “Amen” and the “There it is!” the enemy is going to contend for it, so you better be able to defend it. Do you have joy, expectancy, and peace? Are you in agreement with your spouse? 3. Confess over what you have, and release it in faith. Be specific. Say exactly what you’re believing for and release the seed to God. 4. Get the plan from God. Be ready for new direction, new ideas, and new concepts by revelation from the Holy Spirit. Carry a notepad and a pen. Write everything down. 5. Act quickly! When God gives you the plan, MOVE! It’s wise to have counselors and get wisdom, but you need to act swiftly on any direction you receive from the Holy Spirit.
By Gary Keesee 13 Mar, 2024
Reading Time 2 mins 34 secs – How can you make sure you’re equipped for the growth coming your way this year? Here are my 10 steps to posture yourself for opportunity and success. 1. Ask yourself how you’re handling your current responsibilities. Don’t run from your responsibilities. No matter where you are or what you’re doing, you should be a success. People will still see the evidence of God even if you think you’re in the wrong spot. 2. Detox your life of the things that keep you from having time to think. We live in a fast-paced world. There are plenty of things that can keep you distracted. But it’s in the moments that you stop to think that you’ll find ways to solve problems, and that’s where the opportunities are. So figure out what is consuming your time. Start saying no to some things. Find time to think. 3. Don’t hang around people who are always losing. I know people hit rough spots, but if the people in your life are chronically losing, it’s time to expand your circle. Hang around people who are better than you are, who don’t see things as impossible, and who have vision. It may be uncomfortable for you, but their influence will cause you to think differently. 4. Write down EVERY idea that you have, no matter how strange it seems. Most people filter opportunities and ideas through what they perceive their ability to be. This means most people discard ideas by the dozens because they don’t think they can do them. But God isn’t limited to what you know how to do. The ideas He gives you might seem so weird to you that you can’t process them fully. Write them down so you have time to think about them. 5. Research. Research. Repeat. You don’t need to know how to do something; you need to know how to learn how to do it. Research until you find what you’re looking for. 6. Count the cost before you jump. A lot of Christians hear God and jump out too soon, resulting in catastrophe. There are seasons for everything. God will prepare you for where He wants you to go. Be patient. 7. Always be in agreement with your spouse. Never, ever march out into battle without your spouse being in total agreement and your faith aligned. 8. Ask God for direction. Ask Him to help you, to show you where to go, and what to do. And always remember that prophecy from other people shouldn’t lead you; it should only confirm what God has already said to you. 9. Commit to never quit. Quitting is not an option. Once you’ve moved, don’t move again until God speaks to you. Stay with it. Walk it out. Don’t quit. So many people have so much potential, but they get uncomfortable and they quit. If you want to win, you should always be stretching. 10. Get ready to embrace bigger things. Your ability to see the big picture will keep growing as you change and grow on the inside. You’ll pick up on even more opportunities. For more principles, check out this FREE video on success.
Share by: